Various Lies

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

How about a shock collar?


Yes...and that really is the point isn't it, you moron?

Once again in the Department of Slightly Hysterical Information Technology the crazy has risen its Medusan head and fixed me with a steely, petrifying glare. Not 24 hours after telling the world I'd thrown in the towel we're pretty much back to normal. This morning I received word that we are, after all, submitting an abstract to Massive Research Conference this fall.

And the deadline for submission is in under 48 hours.

And the main lab has used its allotment of submissions and seeing as I am member of the Professional Society running this Massive Research Conference I need to submit the abstract.

Oh Reader, Reader, Reader, I hear your thoughts through the interwebs, I really do...

"Dude, seriously, Tideliar you're being a fucking lightweight. Just submit the fucker already and go back to your manicure."

Alas, not so fast, dear Reader. Apparently I need to write the motherfucker too. This is because one of my programmers (Programmer1) has been working 50% FTE on a project with this group and we're gonna submit an IT-database style abstract. The only real problem with this is that Programmer1 can't write the abstract because knows neither how to write one and what to put in it anyway. He doesn't know the Science behind the work he's doing.

So, the conversation went something like this:

PI: "Tideliar. I need to submit an abstract for Massive Research Conference"

Me: "Cool. So?"

PI:" "Well, you're a Member of Professional Society and we need you to submit it."

Me: "And...let me guess, I have to write it too?"

PI: "Yes."

Me: "not unless I get first author."

PI: "OK"

Me: "shit. Ho hum. Fuck. Alright. What project?"

PI: You know that one that Programmer1 has been working on?"

Me: "Nope,"

PI: "The one with the mobile camera tracking device thing that goes into a report generating function thing?"

Me: "SRSLY? WTF? Dude? Which letter in N.O. left you confused?"

PI: "That one. Oh yeah, LOLz @ U, it's due in less than 48 hours. Ciao."

And now, with the clock a tick-tick-tocking away Programmer1 has yet to present me with anything, let alone a finely crafted 500 word synopsis of what he's been working on and why it is Super Fucking Awesome. I can't even find him. Apparently SysAdmin thought he was with Faculty, and Faculty thought he was with SysAdmin and Programmer2 and Programmer4 think he might be in the bathroom. So, to preempt any further meanderings I asked the Head of Clinical Research to catheterize him.

Unfortunately, as she stared in shock, agog at the thought that I was serious, the rest of today's 15 cups of JetFuel(TM) coffee kicked in....

"yeah. I'm serious. I want Programmer1 catheterized. Then he won't need bathroom breaks so often. Hmm? What's that... no I don't suppose I am serious, after all, I'd need a fucking microchip tag to locate him if he went AWOL anyway. Wait a fucking minute! Can you do that too? I bet you can! Then I'll know which building he's in at least...but how will I find him within said building...I know, don't interrupt this is fucking genius! A shock collar. A shock collar...we can do it all at once! Put a shock device in the neck of the catheter! That's make the little bugger squeal! Wait! Where are you going?"

Is it just me, or does this happen to you too? Does everyone leave everything to the last minute all the time?


Anonymous said...

Does everyone leave everything to the last minute all the time?

Just the bastards. And most people are bastards.


tideliar said...

I live it mate. That's really a philosophical point...

Genomic Repairman said...

My old boss asked me to submit an abstract for a conference three fucking hours before the deadline. WTF can't people get their shit together and manage their stuff?

tideliar said...

The most frustrating thing as far as I'm concerned is that the database/tracking unit is really fucking cool, but I don't know what the current technology is like so I can't write a decent abstract about it. All I can do is write a sales pitch :/

Gerty-Z said...

Best rant at a clinician, evah! I think that the catheter-microchip-shock collar should be patented so that you can maximize on any commercial potential. I know there are several people that I am *always* looking for. I'd pay for that.

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

I've been saying for ages that I need GPS tracking collars on all the PIs I work with.

Everyone here does everything at the last minute too. It's so frustrating when you're waiting for input from other people before you can actually do your part... for them, at least it's in their own hands. I don't get any bloody choice in the matter.

tideliar said...

@GZ: Cheers LOL, in real life it was about 99% just like too. I had so much fucking coffee yesterday...

@Cath: It's exactly that that winds me up so much. I end up busting my ass permanently trying to keep the ship afloat!