The hardest thing is growing. Wait.. that sounds wrong... The hardest part of what I'm going through is the growing. I've been a bachelor most of my life and as any bachelor I'm using to taking what I want, when I want it. Not, of course, in a juvenile predatory way, although God knows (and may She have mercy) I'm at least as guilty as that as any man. But as an adult when there are two consenting people, why not enjoy one of our 4 innate biological needs?
It ain't that simple is it? Of course not.
A beautiful woman is asking you to have sex with her, and as your body responds your brain is saying "No". It's saying "No" for innumerable reasons, and yet the temptation, the desire, the want for that sweet taste of "company"... the sweet taste of sex, her skin, her lips, her warmth, the scent of control, the drive to own and possess, to feel her body respond to you, to feel your own response and the totality of the union...
...but that's why you're saying no. Now is not the time. You are not the person. I can fuck you, for sure, and clearly want to. But I don't want to fuck. The flesh is willing, but the spirit...the spirit says "No".
So, I'm growing. But I want it. Sometimes it's offered like that, and the usual excuses fail and you're left with, "Please, no. I want to but not now."
But I do want it now.
And so what. Home, frustrated, TCB again?
Yes. It is. It's called growing, and as it hurt to physically grow as a boy, sometimes it's going to emotionally hurt to grow as man.
Sometime I need to talk about the seven. I also need to tell you that story about the clowns. You'll laugh at that, that's a good story. But seven... that's a long story. It's a good story, don't get me wrong, but it's a long story. Now isn't the time...
Every number is an individual, until you divide or multiple or perform any function upon it. What if seven is made of separate ones added together... is there a greater whole than the sum of any parts, or even of some of any of those parts? Is each individual 'one' an equal member of the total, or do some individual 'ones' add more than others?
That, Dear Reader, is a philosophically complicated mathematical conundrum I can't answer right now. But, on the assumption that anything that in combination can be greater than the whole...
...to the ones that add to the whole thank you. Thank you for helping some of us be greater than the sum of our parts.
This is a nothing post, just a place holder to let my Reader know I haven't fallen down a hole somewhere.
I split up with my fiance, which sucks, but is probably a good thing in the long run. We had a lot of self-fulfilling, overindulgent bad habits that need to be addressed and we were getting nowhere trying to do it together. I met again last night to tell her I need to not see her for a while, for despite being separated we were still hanging out most weekends. It was a thoroughly depressing talk and I got the feeling that she doesn't really get it. We'll see. I have to have my space if I'm going to fix things. Then maybe there'll time to fix us, but I can't and won't make promises.
Our big CTSA grant isn't going to get funded and we're out of submissions so on or before June 1st my institute will cease to exist. This has obviously been massively stressful, because no only is it my job on the line, but those of "my staff". Four young(ish) men who rely on me to keep the money coming in. Two had babies (or rather, their wives did) recently too, so there's an added pressure bonus.
I've been offered a position as Director of Faculty Development within our Office of Academic Affairs. This would pave the way to a possible Deanship in a few years, or even a Vice-Chancellorship. But... as much as I've enjoyed doing some of the work they've given me to test/train me, it's when I sit down to work with our faculty collaborators on their clincial trials that I really feel the love for my job.
I am a scientist at heart and I love the 'doing' of science, albeit vicariously. However, it's scary thinking about turning down a promotion and payrise to stay where I am, on soft money in an Institute that soon ceases to exist. My Unit will be kept around - we actually generate a portion of our running costs and it will get better as we pick up more projects. But... we're also getting a new Vice Chancellor for Research soon and will s/he want to keep me/us around? Will she see the value in providing core biomedical and clincial informatics support? I hope so - my University is looking to recruit up to 70 new MD/MD-PhD clincial scientists over the next five years and my Unit provides an essential service (secure, centralised, professional and cost effective data management support). But, who knows what the new VC will judge her priorities to be?
So... a lot on my mind right now. It's hard to write. I'm reading your blogs, but not commenting right now either. I'll be back soon, hopefully with happier and better news. Or at least a story involving something humorous. This place has been a bit morose recently....
I am scientist by training, inclination and temperament. However, this is a blog, not a lab. The title reflects my passion for hyperbole, so don't take me too seriously. I don't. I am PhD trained scientific jack-of-all-trades. I write about science that catches my eye, making the transition away from the lab bench, and the slightly odd and moist boundary where science culture meets the public. I am an Englishman by birth, an American by temperament and if I were you I wouldn't lend me money.