Various Lies

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A week of epic fail and it's only day 4

Article the First:
A couple of weeks ago I swerved to avoid some arsehat in a parking lot and managed to run the side of my car down a bright yellow concrete traffic bollard. I now have a shitty, ugly, old green VW bug with a go faster/go shitter yellow stripe down one side. I called my insurance agent to find out IF I was to claim for the paint job (pah, car is 10 years old and only worth $2000), what the excess on my monthly insurance premium would be. IF I was to put in a claim for something I wouldn't get fixed. I was told to go so-and-so's body shop, meet the appraiser who would give me a quote on the theoretical repairs and from that they could determine the damage to my monthly premium.

$1800 to remove the scratches, with a $500 deductible. Easy out: No Fucking Way. As mentioned, my car is only worth about $2000 and besides, my A/C and starter have just died, necessitating another $1000+ of fixes just to keep me moving through the summer. I spoke with my insurance dude again,

Me: "So, IF I was to get this fixed, how much would it put my monthly premium up by?"

ID: "Hang on, let's pull up your policy. Wait, hang on, there's already a claim on here."

Me:"No, there can't be. I haven't filed a claim since I joined you five years ago."

ID:"No, here on April 7th. It says you lodged a claim for an "at fault" collision in a parking lot"

Me:"random high pitched squeaking sounds"

ID:"So, now this is already on file, we can't remove it. So... hang on. No, not to worry,"

Me:"squeaking sounds decrease in pitch, slightly"

ID:"No, you're OK. Your premium is only going up by $25/month."

Me:"squeaking sounds reach new, ultrasonic levels"

ID:"$25/month isn't that bad is it?"

Me:"That's 300 fucking bucks a year. D00d."

ID:"Oh, yes, I suppose if you look at it like that, it is. Well, we're sending you a cheque for $1300 to cover the repairs. You can use that to pay off the excess on your premium if you want."

Me:"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUC

*click*

Article the Second:
Recently Grand Moff Brown, unelected Prime Minister of England and compete fucking worthless dog's fart, finally announced he had asked Her majesty the Queen (happy birthday for yesterday, Your Majesty, FWIW) to dissolve parliament so he could call a General Election. I haven't voted since 1997 because not long after that election I moved to the US. So in the almost 6000 days since i could legally vote, I have excised that constitutionally enshrined right just once. This time, I raced to the nearest internets and looked into registering as an overseas voter. I soon discovered, via the power of an internests "search engine" a site called About My Vote, which purports to be run by the The Electoral Commission themselves. I spent a couple of hours working my way through everything because it is really not that well put together, and found the following nuggets of information:

  • You can register to vote as long it isn't more than 15 years since you last registered

  • You can register by mail to vote in the district you were last a registered voter in

  • You can grant a trusted family member your 'proxy', to vote on your behalf

  • Your proxy voter can vote by mail for you

  • The General Election is on may 6th

  • They need to have the mail in ballot 11 days before the General Election



Fucking Awesome right"?


  1. It is only 13 years since I last voted

  2. I remember my old address in the UK, although it is 100+ miles from my actual "home" address

  3. My brother, Weaselcatcher, is a sergeant in the police, and a decent guy. My best friend I might say (and we share the same political proclivities)

  4. He knows how to use a mailbox

  5. It was early April at this point

  6. That would give us until April 25th/26th to get the mail in vote sent in



imagine my dismay when I got a text message from Sergeant Weaselcatcher this morning saying "Call me when you can, but please have drunk some coffee first". It turns out the fucking morons who put the site together neglected one key piece of information: the mail in vote is held before the regular ballot and the cut off was FORTY-MOTHERFUCKING-EIGHT GODAMNED HOURS AGO.

Due to the utter inability of some fuckwitted middel-manager not proofreading the website he had built I have had my constitutionally enshrined rights, enshrined for almost a thousand years, stolen from me. I am have no doubt that if I had financial and legal recourse I could get this fucking mornon Hng, Drawn and motherfucking quartered or some such. Or put in the motherfucking pillory on the steps of the Palace of Westminster. I would be first in line to nail his fucking ears to his fucking forehead. How dare you inefficiency, laziness and general moronic inability to perform basic tasks interfere with my rights. Fuck you. Fuck you to hell.

Article the Third:
I have started training in Muay Thai again. It's my third anniversary of being a mean, kickboxing motherfucker. I go to a new gym now, and I'm able to park for free a mile away and walk downtown looking like a stone cold motherfucker listening to my fight song. But my box/cup/dick protector was rubbing my crotch raw. So I took the extreme step of shaving my junk. Not the best plan I have had. Now I have itches where it is unseemly to scratch those itches.

Article the Fourth:
it's only fucking Thursday. Doubtless this will be updated before my birthday on Sunday.

9 comments:

tideliar said...

Damn. My grammar and spelling really go to shit when I'm angry...

Thomas Joseph said...

I could really have done WITHOUT article the third. Dood. Really.

tideliar said...

My pleasure. Just sharing the love. Be thankful I didn't post the photo of the new bruise that goes with it...

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

I: surely that's illegal?! Don't you need to sign something to file a claim?!

II: that really fucking sucks. I'm sorry. It might be too late for this election, but you'd have a good case for getting registered so you don't miss the 15 year exclusion criteria in the future (thank you for mentioning that - I'm at about year 9 at the moment so I'd better make sure I register next time. I choose not to vote in UK elections, but I'd like to have the option in the future).

III: HAHAHAHAHA! You have no-one to blame but yourself for that one, don't you know ANYTHING?! LOL!

IV: Happy birthday for Sunday!

tideliar said...

A: Apparently not. Wankers.

B: Yes it does. Wankers.

3: Not the first time :) it's just that post-shave itch that is the killer. >:)

5: Cheers!!

Dr.Girlfriend said...

I hope the rest of the week went without further crapiness and that you at least have a pleasant weekend.

I had no idea there was a UK election coming up. I barely keep track of who the current PM is - and eI only do that so I do not look like an idiot in my spanish class! Politics and current events give me indigestion, so I try to leave them alone.

I voted when I was 18 because it was an adult thing to do - I believe I voted for Conservative because I liked the color blue and because my parents voted for the other guys. This is the problem with democracy.

Professor in Training said...

You shaved your junk? Ahahahaaaaa! Hilarious!

tideliar said...

@DG: this is the first election since I left that I've felt motivated to vote. I must admit that I don't keep up with UK politics as closely as I should...

@PiT: LOLz abound at chez tideliar. Thank god for shea butter...

Anonymous said...

How about looking into having the motherfucker defenestrated?

-antipodean